The magic of film. Something this column knows plenty about, in all honesty this sport-themed website should really be about the silver screen, motion picture, the magic of storytelling. So without further ado, ranking the greatest movies of all time is our calling..

The obvious..

We’ve seen some films, quite a few in recent years, sure. But we haven’t seen as many as the most hardcore movie buff. Yet whilst I’ve never been to the Sahara, I can tell it’d be pretty warm. Similarly, I haven’t met Donald Trump in person, but I’d be reasonably confident in the suspicion I wouldn’t like him.

A keen sense of gut feel and educated thinking gives me more than enough confidence that the list you’ll see below is not just without flaw, but bang on. But in the interest of not pushing this column’s talents too far, I’ll limit each movie plot to a short depictions, let’s not push the limits of my magnificence too far, I’m scared of heights.

The overrated..

What didn’t make the list? Plenty. After some initial research to back up already sound suspicion, I referred to some googling of ‘best movies of all time’, and what trash is out there on the world wide web. People are paid to write that garbage? I mean, let’s be honest, none of the below are any good:

AvatarMary Poppins
Back to the FutureSingin’ in the Rain
BraveheartSlumdog Millionaire
Gone with the WindSound of Music
Good Will HuntingStar Wars
Lion KingThe Wizard of Oz
Lord of the RingsTitanic
Love ActuallyTwilight

I’m told that some of those won Oscars. Spare me. Sure, Lion King is a wonderful film, if you haven’t got your pen license. The Wizard of Oz looks like it was made before the Second World War its that bad, and Titanic, its just a boat trip, into an iceberg crash, and then Kate Winslet murdering Leo DiCaprio, one of the greatest actors of all time, and no-one batted an eyelid. For shame.

Don’t start me on Star Wars, if I want to watch children’s themed make-believe I’ll go rewatch Thunderbirds, Good Will Hunting is what, about some maths nerd who had a sook once, but ‘oh, it’s amazing coz Ben and Matt wrote it and they’re best friends, it says so much about friendship!’ Pass.

Lord of the Rings just seems like Peter Jackson didn’t have enough time as a kid to explore his imagination, or any friends, and now we all suffer for it because he has enough money to make films. If Singin’ in the Rain is a classic film then years from now the Holden Captiva will be a classic car and Avatar just seems like Eiffel 65 had a massive acid trip one weekend and tried to make a documentary.

The considered..

Anchorman (2004)Rocky (1976)
Fight Club (1999)Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Gladiator (2000)Step Brothers (2008)
Home Alone (1990)Superbad (2007)
Jurassic Park (1993)Taken (2008)

Firstly, I’ve actually seen most of these. Good films. But these were in the mix early, just not good enough.

Going down the list alphabetically, I mean Ron Burgundy and the Channel Four news team, great laugh, that’s a classic comedy, don’t care if you disagree. Then Brad Pitt giving us underground punch on’s, what’s not to like.

Rusty Crowe’s best work, who doesn’t love a big-budget Roman biopic, and then Macaulay Culkin messing with adults like an early version of Ninja Warrior, that’s just terrific fun that little flick. And I’m sorry, Hollywood does Dinosaurs, yes please. I’ve seen all of them, true story, and the original is the best. Even if I did get confused about whether Newman from Seinfeld got eaten off the toilet (he doesn’t, that was Martin Ferrero of course, Newman died later, spoiler alert).

Sly Stallone punching on is a classic, I’ve only seen the original but surely thats the best one. Then Tom Hanks and Matt Damon in one of the most amazingly shot war films of all time, I mean c’mon. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, piss funny, ‘Catalina Wine Mixer’ anyone?

Then one of the better films fresh out high school , Michael Cera’s best work, that’s a properly funny film, ‘McLovin’, what a crock of shit that is, and then lastly who the f*$# messes with Liam Neeson..

..If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

The apologies..

Happy Gilmore (1996)
Saw (2004)
Scarface (1983)
The Hangover (2009)
The Matrix (1999)

So these just miss the final cut. And I’ve seen all of these, don’t stress (can’t speak for two of the top ten coming up but anyway, we’ll get there). Happy Gilmore is a classic comedy to watch and watch again time and time again. Peak Adam Sandler in the mid-90s, the simple story of a hockey player turned pro-Golfer, whats not to love? As for Saw, don’t knock it, the original is a classic. Don’t get bogged down in the quality of the acting, sure, many people laughed watching it at the cinema. But it re-calibrated the horror genre and was properly landmark.

Scarface is stiff to miss the final ten. Tony Montana going off his tits, sticking his face in a Mt Kosciusko of booger sugar, its Al Pacino at his very best. Nothing more endearing than calling old mate a ‘Cock-o-roach’. And even I know ‘Say Hello to my Little Friend’ is one of the all-time classic lines.

The boys in The Hangover nail it, its the movie that needed to be made, a bloody outrageous bucks in Vegas, and I like that its not like a soft-as-shit Ben Stiller Night at the Museum comedy too. I mean the first one is the best, but seeing full ladyboy dong in the sequel, yeah Stiller’s not signing on for that kinda gold the goose.

And The Matrix, its just a mess with your head film that you kinda wanna hate but its too well made and too cleverly written. Keanu was very good, old Lawry Fishburne was stellar, his best work; it was as good a reality-f&#% as Inception was bad. Mind you, I haven’t seen Inception, but from all reports I am better off.

The chosen..

10. Get Out (2017)

Genius film. Peele is madman good. Clever, literally cannot fault and entertaining the whole way through. Have seen it, and would happily watch it again.

9. The Bourne Identity (2002)

Don’t worry about any of the Jim Bond films, Damon as Bourne is a hell of a series, and the original is a classic. Awesome film, holds up, one of the best action flicks we’ve seen.

8. Caddyshack (1980)

Comedy gold. Don’t care if you like golf or hate it, its piss funny. Classic. Bill Murray in this is a lunatic but sublime.

7. Dark Knight (2008)

Have probably seen this ten times at least, and that’s telling. Bale is ok in this, but Ledger is crazy good. Don’t often see Oscars thrown around for performances in a comic book movie, but Nolan, Ledger, the whole thing, epic.

6. Die Hard (1988)

Best Christmas film of all time. But Willis at his best, I have seen this, can’t remember all of it, but I know it’s a ball tearer and no wonder it spawned what, five sequels. Hectic film.

5. Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

Great cast, but awesome plot and very clever, entertaining film. Here’s a movie you’ll be able to watch one or twice a year for the rest of your life easy. The Danny-Rusty dynamic is very watchable.

4. Pulp Fiction (1994)

One of two movies I haven’t seen in this top ten, but I hear it’s very good. Regarded as Tarantino’s best work, so that must mean something. Seems like its about a briefcase, and a diner, and like a series of no-good busy bees going about their miscreant business. But in a much more captivating way than I described it.

3. The Godfather (1972)

All time classic that if they’d released it today would stand up. Everyone loves a mafia film and this one is the daddy. Brando, Pacino, Duvall, Caan, even I know these folks are legends. Everything about this movie is sooooo good.

2. Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)

Absolutely. Have you seen it? I have. Some reckon this is a niche choice but I say hands down the greatest comedy film ever, easy. Cleese as the Priest particularly and then Palin as a million other characters he plays across the film are as funny and as brilliant as anyone being filmed ever.

1. The Departed (2006)

Great story, great acting, great director, if you had to find an algorithim for the perfect movie it’s gotta be The Deporrrted (trying for a Boston accent there). Only 91% on Rotten Tomatoes. Who are these 9%? Stevie Wonder with ear plugs. Come on now, no question, the greatest movie ever made.

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