Every fortnight we’ll bring you the freshest countdown of a topic de jour. For our first edition we start with a crisp list of ten ways to look after your own safety and keep a distance from those who are of most harm…

#1 People who book middle seats on planes

These aren’t the people who try and book a middle seat when all three are available, in order to secure their own row. These are just pyschopaths who prefer the middle seat. They exist. We’ve all sat next to them, and endured the flight to Bali wishing our boss didn’t approve our leave. Who are these people?

#2 Those buying all a shop’s remaining Toilet Paper supplies in one go

Self-explanatory. Yes, this is a medical matter to be taking seriously, we get that, but since when did we enter a phase in our existence, where, real-time, a Bruce Willis-Oscar performance aside, we’re all doomed by Easter. Fair dinkum. You people going in and buying legitimately hundreds of toilet rolls in one shop need prison.

#3 Gets a personalised plate resembling the car’s make and model

Yes, you drive a BMW. A 3-series BMW. The Bavarians are very good at badging the back of the car they make to suggest as so. Why then, did you pay Vicroads many hundreds of your parents’ money, to then get ‘MYBMW3’. Or, your equally innane mate who has ‘CRV4WD’. Is thinking an acquired skill? At this rate it makes ‘GOPIES’ high brow..

#4 Someone with a surname resembling a compass direction, naming their kid after a different compass direction

Love the tunes Kanye. But really? Didn’t feel like ‘Jeans’ was a good first name for a girl? Sorry, thats just awful.

#5 AFL footballers, except ruckmen, who wear the socks up

Suspicious behaviour at its best. Its 2020. We’ve moved on from that look. So those still doing it, and I’m looking at you Lewis Taylor, what are you hiding from us? You look weird and I have to conclude you’ve got ulterior motives.

#6 People who eat Buffalo Bill ice-creams the wrong way

This is bad enough, but actually there’s a worse, sub-category here..

#7 People who didn’t know there was a right and wrong way to eat a Buffalo Bill ice-cream

You know who you are. Shameful. To be watched.

#8 Men who don’t understand positional urinal etiquette

This one is for the blokes, but ladies, you might find out something here from the secrecy of the men’s restroom. If there’s, for example, three urinal spots, and you’re first in, do the right thing – take either end position. The clown who wanders in to do number one’s and primes up in the central possy, is a grade-A classified psycho and needs to be on watch-list.

#9 Recruitment personnel, in Australia, who are not English or Irish

If someone calls you, in regards an opportunity for you, or to get a reference for someone you’ve worked with, and the accent isn’t from the UK, hang up. If they say they’re from Newcastle, but north of Sydney Newcastle, not a Geordie, disconnect the call and throw it out the window, that telephone is no longer any good, nor is the premises you’re in any longer secure.

#10 People who make telephone calls on public transport, on loudspeaker

Obvious one this. If someone’s that blasé, or comfortable, or ignorant to the crime they are committing, again, can’t be trusted, authorities need to stay close. I mean, seriously..

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