THE England football team – just about as good as Eddie McGuire with sincere apologies.
Iceland only has 100 professional players to pick from, less than the amount of English professional footballers named Woodrow, yet the small Nordic country toppled the sport’s creators in an upset for the ages.
Or was it?
Are we surprised that a country that voted to leave the EU based on the rhetoric of clowns like Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, the latter who looks like one of Jim Henson’s Muppets brought to life, choked once again in a major football tournament?
Is it that shocking that a team of highly-paid Premier League pampered, precious princesses, who think that claiming thousands of pounds a week for London Rovers United where success is because of the players yet failure is down to the managers, stuffed up royally?
Bemused by a country where so many of the big clubs have turnovers that rival the GDP or major European countries yet they let a minnow in Leicester City win their league with a wage bill that wouldn’t be enough to afford a three-piece feed from KFC?
England are serial underperformers on the world stage and this was inevitable. They always possess horrible goalkeeping, their team selection is far too inconsistent and their best players always shine for their clubs but play like drunken giraffes with gout when they play for the national team.
Joe Hart needs to go on ancestory.com and organise a reunion with his hands. The goal he let in against Wales was disgusting. Gareth Bale essentially gave him goalkeeping practice with his set piece but Hart was obviously disillusioned by his ability and threw the ball backwards like he was playing rugby league.
Then this morning it took him so long to get down to Iceland’s second goal Taylor Swift managed to start and end another two relationships, further annoying poor Calvin Harris in the process. Not so bad for Calvin though, at least he is Scottish and not English.
The management of the team is horrendous. Roy Hodgson is a strange one, sometimes you don’t know if he is in need of a cuddle or a pacemaker – he is a genuine concern. But moreover the sides he picks are baffling.
Big tournaments like a Euro or World Cup need consistent line-ups, to allow for gelling and chemistry for when the big moments call. England has instilled more change over the last few months than Geoffrey Edelstein’s had divorces, it’s mind-blowing.
And when the campaign in France kicked off he still couldn’t get it right, far too much left to the likes of Eric Dier, who’s had as much experience as Clive Palmer has had salads, and the choice of forwards has been eclectic at best.
Harry Kane, Jamie Vardy, can they play together, can they not, Roy doesn’t know, won’t know, and it won’t matter now because they’re on a plane home whilst the likes of Iceland and Wales kick on.
Wayne Rooney is far more efficient as a Shrek impersonator than national team captain, they need to spend less time with their dentists and more time on the park practicing (let’s be honest, the dental profession can only do so much anyway) and unless they can perform a miracle in the next 24 months the only value they’ll provide at the 2018 World Cup in Russia will be comedic.
The country that has arguably the highest paid league in the world, arguably the most followed league in the world, and again created the sport itself and it has only one World Cup triumph to show for it back in 1966.
It’s like the players took the leaving the EU literally; the country voted to leave Europe so in a grand display of patriotic behaviour the national team swiftly followed suit.
This team isn’t a joke, something Dave Hughes or Jacquie Lambie would say on a stage is a joke, this team is an embarrassment.
Credit to Iceland though, must be said; to now be in the last eight teams in the European Championships is a fantastic achievement.
But when it comes to ranking the most sporting-proficient Nordic countries, Iceland aren’t even on the podium. So England’s performance, to squander that opportunity so convincingly, just makes them look even worse.
They drew with Russia, who are either all drug-infused track athletes or too busy spying on Ukraine, and with Slovakia, who are best known for being the worse half of Czechoslovakia.
Sure, they defeated Wales, but the Welsh are usually too busy singing about pussycats or Delilah and even then England needed a last minute winner, for all and intents and purposes they only just got out of that with a result.
If they played cricket you’d accuse them of match-fixing, if they played in the AFL you’d investigate them for tanking and if they played tennis you’d confuse them for Sam Stosur.
They’ve been a disgrace to their Queen, even if she is half-German and married to a Greek racist, a disgrace to their country, even if it’s paralysed by confusion as to just exactly how bad they f*#$ed up last Thursday, and a disgrace to their country’s comedians because no matter how funny and talented they may be they’ll never be able to produce the laughs their football team produces.