THE mailbag is bulging. It’s been a while since we’ve stuck one’s mitts inside and responded to some reader questions. Let’s answer a few and put some stressed souls at ease, or we’ll try to anyway.

Q       I recently signed a three-year extension to stay at my employer but our results suggest maybe that was the wrong idea. Can you help?

Gary, Gold Coast

Hi Gary, thanks for writing in. It appears you may have stuffed it, but there’s always taking a golf trip with Karmichael Hunt to feel better about things. Mind you Gary, be careful, if he offers you a white ball it won’t be something to hit off the tee.

Q       Hello Leigh, thanks for reading my letter. I have made some poor decisions of late and need some advice, what would you recommend I do to solve my headache?

Damien, Flemington/Caulfield/Moonee Valley.

G’Day Damien. I think it’s quite simple, a cooked breakfast works for some, maybe Berocca, all else fails the hair of the dog will probably extend your bigger problems but it can work for you short term.

Q       Where am I at?

Travis, Collingwood

Hello Travis. Not sure, I’ve got a better grip on Harrold Holt’s whereabouts to be honest, sorry champ.

Q       People tell me I’m not popular yet I’m about to take the most powerful office in the world, so how can the media be getting it so wrong, the numbers don’t lie?

Donald, United States.

Hmm, not sure that’s right flog, Vladimir has the most powerful office these days and unless you plan on taking his gig best you ensure there’s enough glue on your narcoleptic squirrel you call a toupee when you get defeated by a woman at Christmas time. Ship off.

Q       Last year I had the best team in the land, this year I can’t win, can you explain it, I’m baffled?

Ross, Fremantle.

Thanks for getting in touch Ross, good to hear from you. Let’s call a spade a bloomin’ shovel Rossco. Would you rather have a poor start to the year and miss the finals, or blitz the home and away to suffer more inevitable heartache when the teams you coach perennially stuff it up anyway? You’ve had it worse.

Q       I had a big singing comp on the weekend and I was so close but I ended up runner-up. I’m devastated; can you help me feel better?

Dami, Stockholm

Dami my dear, please be serious. You ended up stuck between Ukraine and Russia with a tonne and a half of pyrotechnics around you and you’re going to fly home in one piece. I wouldn’t call it sadness, I’d call it a second chance on life. Buy a lotto ticket.

Q       Hi Leigh, thanks for responding in advance. I made a bold decision today and I’m not sure how the Australian public has taken to it, any thoughts of your own?

Jarryd, San Francisco.

Jarryd, Jarryd, Jarryd. Let’s see here. It’s one of two things, and I’ll let you guess. Either you were told you were not good enough by the 49ers to even bother sticking around for next season and have turned into a high-class escort for any unsatisfied husband of a sport who needs a publicity boost, or, the NFL, the largest football league the world has ever seen, is actually just a breeding ground for Fiji’s third most well-known national team? It’s such a puzzler, I can’t work it out myself…

Q       Have you forgotten about me?

Clive, Queensland.

Africa’s hungry Clive..

Q       My reputation took another hit and I need some career advice, can you help me Leigh?

Grant, Virgin Australia lounge

Hi Grant, yes I can, I can ask you to not consider any move to the dairy industry, any whisper of you getting on a stool to milk a bovine and PETA will be on your backside in no time.

Q       We don’t know where we went wrong, any clues?

Board members, Parramatta

Ok, listen carefully. When you thought you were onto a winner in hiring ex-Government treasury staff from an established European nation, you need to check the fine print, the reason their hourly rates were so appealing is that they were Greek.

Q       I am so great, I feel like I could accomplish anything now, do you have any ideas for my next challenge?

Claudio, Leicester

You’re a miracle worker Claudio, congratulations. If you’re really up for your next challenge and you’ve got any personal training skills there’s a mate of mine called Clive…

Q       Leigh, it’s ridiculous! Scandalous! These concessions for the Giants will kill our competition! Are you with me?

Eddie, Collingwood.

Now Ed, is this really your biggest concern? You were set out to be one of the better journalists this country has ever seen. But let’s take a sit-rep on how you’re going, you are hosting a pre-news game show. You’re no more Ray Martin or Barrie Cassidy than ‘Baby’ John Burgess or that hyperactive clown Grant Denyer. Bigger concerns there Ed.

Q       Seriously, what am I doing so wrong? I’m an elite talent and I’m trying my best to forge a great career Australians can be proud of. Can you help?

Bernard, Gold Coast

Bernie, you hold the handle of the racket in your hands and hit the ball with the strings, try that to start with.

Q       I won an Oscar, finally, are you as excited as a I am, wow, such a relief, so humbling?

Leonardo, Hollywood.

Well up front I must say I’m honoured, you read my stuff, wow, thankyou. That said, are you serious? Half of me was rooting for the bear, that would have been such a cooler movie, but in the end you won an acting award for that? Aren’t you supposed to speak in films these days? Your performance made Charlie Chaplin sound like a high kookaburra after three glasses of red.

Q       I made such a terrible mistake, I feel lost, I miss tennis and need direction. Please let me know if you have any ideas?

Maria, Russia.

Hey Maria thanks for your question. What’s the world’s population these days, six billion? On behalf of twelve billion ears Maria, thank you for your mistake, the world has never been more peaceful, it’s beautiful.


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