THIS column has become so popular that some of our celebrity readers have been writing in with their questions. I’ve taken the time to get back to them and help out where I can.
I’m kicking straight for goal lately but do you have any advice if I get the yips again?
Thanks for the question Travis but dead set, if you get the yips again, bloody hell… Have you ruled out you’re not actually a right-footer, that would indeed answer a lot of questions.
I’m in a new job this year and I’m struggling to get through to the guys I work with. Do you have any ideas as to how to better connect with them?
Rodney, Gold Coast.
Thanks for being in touch Rodney. As far as connecting with your direct reports and grabbing their attention, I’d be starting with the 2010 Barossa Shiraz’s, such a good vintage that year.
Why do you make me the butt of all your witty remarks?
Good to hear from you Clive, but they are not witty remarks but factual analogies, sorry to correct you.
I am having a great time winning everything but no-one seems as excited as me, do you know why?
Lewis, Monte Carlo
Really appreciate you writing in Lewis, but your sport right now is as watchable as watching the paint dry on the boundary line of a suburban footy ground as the grass it is painted on grows the same time. Fair dinkum, your races are a greater procession than a Moomba parade with engines that sound like broken Skodas and the whole contest is decided by who has the best pit stops. It doesn’t matter how fast the cars are because at the end of the day it doesn’t come down to racing but the art of parking. Every driver on the grid has the personality of a sleep-deprived flea, you had the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls on toast and threw that away and the sport is run by a bed-wetting, viagra-fueled geriatric dwarf with Sia’s hair. Anyway all the very best for the rest of the season, even though we couldn’t give a stuff.
My teammates are struggling to find form and confidence, we’ve had a really tough time, any tips on where to find some?
Good question Jobe, thanks for the interest, but finding confidence for you and your mates would be like looking for a needle in a haystack, pardon the pun.
No really, you make fun of me and my size and its annoying.
They wouldn’t be so annoying if you could occasionally say no at the dinner table, Clive.
I am a country boy from Port Lincoln but I’ve been living in Melbourne for a long time now and keen to try new foods, new cuisines, any recommendations?
Lindsay, North Melbourne.
Really appreciate you reaching out Lindsay, thanks so much. Maybe have a go at Chinese or French at first, they both do duck really well, seems like something you’d be in to.
I took a really big risk with a career move a couple years ago, moving from Melbourne to Sydney. Do you think it was a good decision?
Buddy. Mate. You’re engaged to a Miss Universe Australia winner and on more money than a FIFA bribe, why are you writing in?
Is this finally our year, the team’s been playing well but I’m nervous, any advice?
You’re the coach of Richmond Damien, being nervous is part of the job description. As for advice, I hope you’re psychologist bulk bills.
I’m on huge coin but I haven’t really done a lot to justify it yet. What can I do?
Appreciate the question Tom, don’t feel guilty just yet, could be worse, Shane Watson’s on about a million per run at the minute, so stay strong Tom.
What happened at the end, I’m the best coach of all time and it was the club’s fault, not mine, surely?
Ship off Mick, no-one likes a bitter old grandpa. Towards the end you became as employable as a catholic priest at a scout camp.
I thought I was a loved, respected, future NFL hall of famer but I sense a lot of discontent since Christmas, surely you don’t think I deserve it?
Tom, New England
Hi Tom, good to hear from some of our American readers, thanks for making the effort. Look, yes, you’re quite right but whilst I’d love to talk about your stellar career I’m reluctant to pump you up.
I have a tough decision to make this year, I need to choose between Adelaide or Geelong, can you help me separate the two?
G’day Patty, thanks for dropping a line. It’s a toss of a coin to be honest pal, on the ‘bogan-scale’ Geelong and Adelaide are like Jim Beam and Jack Daniels – when your preferred hairstyle is a mullet and you’ve looked twice at your cousin the differences are too subtle to really notice or care.
I’m in the middle of a contract at my second club, how would you rate my time here so far?
Thanks for sending your question in Dale. Investing in a Nicole Kidman film would be a better spend of money than what Carlton saw in you I’m afraid.
Do you know I once ordered a Greek salad at a Sydney café back in the late 90s?
No-one likes a liar, Clive